Things i Cant Change.

My mom holds a special place in my heart,I feel like doesn't Matter how many times she hurts My Heart she can do no wrong.

I Was the that one child who always stuck by My moms side no matter what. I never wanted to see her cry or hurt. Growing up I didn't understand a lot about My mom? I mean look at My mom she's Drop Dead Gorgeous, so why would she allow Pain an Misery in her life?? Why would she through her life away? 

Usually when you have children your suppose to Change,your Children are now your Life.My mom didn't get that Memo much.

When times were good they were Wonderful, an when they were bad,they were Horrible.

I remember one Christmas my mom surprised me with My Favorite Barbies a "Brat doll" an a "Hello Kitty Blow up Chair". My mom would get this Twinkle in her eyes when she seen we were happy. or i remember One thanksgiving My Mon Decided to cook her own Turkey,lol i still remember how Happy an Jumpy My mom was to make this turkey right.

As i got older i started to understand Life More, theres this one Morning i can never forget . .

I was in the 6th Grade an woke up that morning to go to school my mom had breakfast ready an i went into her room an i seen her friend Getting High...

An i kinda just stood there in shock,i wasn't sure how to feel or what to think But i knew it wasn't right.

So i left to school an i couldn't stop thinking about what i saw? I had this sick empty feeling inside of me,i felt Hurt,i felt Angry, i didn't know what was going on.

i was in denial oh no My mom cant be using drugs she goes to school an shes a Good mom to us, she wasn't like My Friends Parents who were on Drugs.

I had Painted this picture of My Mom a Picture of someone who can never do wrong,she was Beautiful an Smart,Funny,outgoing how can MY Mom be a Addict? This made no sense.

As i got older it only got worse With My Mom,i felt like My whole life changed in a Blink of a Eye,i Really didnt know what kind of life My mom was living. I felt like she lied to me,i lost all My Trust, i was so Hurt it turned into Anger. Anger that seems impossible to get rid of. 

I never picture My mom to be the way she is, i constantly remind her how Beautiful she is an what a better life she can have. I felt like My Mom basically gave up on me at a certain point,i became the mother to her. I still didnt have the Heart to push her away,i was Weak.

When you have so much love for a person,more love than they have for their selfs its hard to deal with,your not the only one who was hurting.

Stress an Anxiety took over My life as a Young child up to My adult hood,Now stress an anxiety is Normal to a certain point. I feel like My Moms soul got lost an she Missed Me growing up,i tried to find her soul an when i found it she turned it down an pushed me away.

Having a Parent who has a addiction is Very hard,very Emotional, its very life less if that makes sense.its hard to see someone destroy there self an you have no control of it. My world comes Crashing down when My mom needs me an i cant help her,NOT because i dont want to,Because i have A Daughter an i Refuse to have her grow up with Any of this stress in her life like i did or any of these feelings. Children deserve a fresh start at life an only you as a parent can give them that. I have to be strong for My Daughter ,because i have a promise to keep,from the moment i found out i was having a Little girl i told my Self i would never ever put My Daughter around the things i was around growing up,that i would always live a drug Free life for her.

Things you cant change still hurts,it will always hurt.

I Love you mom.

Your Still the Best to me.