Normal (Poem)

With Fire in My Veins,

And ice in My Heart,

Like ol ray I'm Blind.

In the land of Gods an monsters

I was angel living in a garden of evil.

Nothing I have ever experienced in my life has been easy but I try not to dwell on it. Normal is everything BUT My Life and somehow I just naturally accepted it.

As if Normal now a day is your parents hooked on drugs and your father in Prison all your childhood.

What is Normal?

Am I normal?

Or am I Normally Disturbed?

What's wrong with me?

Why am I this way? 

I can Hear her crying Over and Over in My Head..

I can hear her pain In her voice as she says I have no answer for you,but this to shall pass.

When!

When!

When will things go back to Our Normal?

Will it?

Will it?

Normal.

Normal is just a word fucked in different positions,Made to feel good when you say it or when you are called it.

 we all have our own Normal! 

But I . . .

I ...

I am FAR FROM NORMAL.

TTC!!!!!! 2015.

Things like this you often get judged upon

I know . .

I know . .

I Share so Many Personal Situations on My Blog, I'm very open and that's exactly what I want my blog to be about.

So here's something I'd like to share with all My Viewers.

A Little Back ground about us, I got off My Birth control in Early Nov.2013 due to Medical reason at that time  My Husband i talked a few times about children but never fully said OK let's try to conceive. In no way shape or form are we AGAINST becoming pregnant, Nor did we Ever use Protection I guess it was just one of those decisions that we did agreed on that we just want it to naturally happen,Rather Going through the whole TTC Process.

2014 We agreed that we just wanted to wait 1 more year, 2014 We faced a lot of challenges that hardly anyone knows about and we just wanted to make sure that once we made this LIFE CHANGING CHOICE that we were Ready.

Mentally,Physically,Financially,Emotionally.

2015 February 9.

its time,

Its Really time to just Focus on Us,Our Family!

What Makes us Happy,Yes I'm sure there will be Many People with Opinions, Many Family Members that will talk Garbage and Nonsense but None of that Matters.

 We are Married,

We Live on Our own,

Pay Our own Bills.

Who has the right to tell us when to conceive?

Who has the authority to tell us Other Wise?

So I guess what I'm trying to say is Today I want to welcome you all to a New Chapter, 

A new chapter in this blog,

A New Chapter in our Life.

Today I took My First HCG Home Pregnancy Test, as you can tell By The Photo Above it was a ( - ) and that is completely fine, We are aware that this will be a process We are aware it can take Weeks,Months,Years for others it might be Quick for others its Very different.

So our plan for 2015 is to Test Every beginning of the Month also Depending on How My Cycle lands will also determine when I test.

Also tomorrow February 10 2015 will be the day I launch My YouTube channel, There you will be able to Follow Up with our Journey in TTC.

I'm excited,Nervous . .

A lot of emotions happening as I'm writing this Blog I've been making some life changes in order to bring My Anxiety and Stress level down so we can conceive ( My Doctor informed me that the big reason why we haven't conceived is Because My Stress An anxiety.

Why have I been distant,

Why I am eliminating certain people out of My Life,

Why I have changed?

I just feel such a different way about Life,like My Daughter is about to be 5 I feel like our family is ready for this Baby. We want to have a Healthy Pregnancy without any drama in our life. We want to have a Healthy support system and those who aren't, are no longer in our life.

So . . 

With that being said Our YouTube channel will follow our Good times and all the in between while TTC .

Tomorrow I will announce Our Channels Name FIRST ON INSTAGRAM FOLLOWING FACEBOOK.

Controversial Topics.

controversial topics

Sex.
Abortion.
Child Birth.
Adoption.


I would love to hear others views and Opinions on this topic as well.

So of course majority of people Claim to be against Abortions which is totally understandable.

And you have others who always throw comments out as far as " She's not a good mom,she doesn't deserve to have kids,"all she does is party!" 

Now when I hear people say these things what do they recommend that mother should have done "got a abortion? "Give her Baby up for adoption?"

I stand In question with what I currently believe in, I feel for Myself I could never ever get a abortion no matter what the circumstances are, an I would never be able to go through a pregnancy and at the end of birth hand My child over to Another family I just couldn't live with Myself doing something like that.

I understand that being a parent isn't for everyone, but at the same Time you have to want to be a good Parent,you have to constantly be consistent on your self to do good for your child.

Some Mother's become a parent really young and have to give up a lot like there teen years and adult hood,some women aren't ready to live the life of a mother,so what do we judge her for making that Statement? Or judge her because of what she feels? Who are we to judge anyone ? What gives us that right?

So ask your self where do you stand?

For me I'm learning not to judge someone based on decisions they made for them self's at the moment when needed to.

We Cant judge someone because they felt like getting a abortion or adoption was right for them at that point in there life.

being at peace,

 

My Mind Wonders at night an gets lost in the thoughts of what you are doing? 

Did you get to eat?

The things you do just to make ends meet,

I pray that God, keeps you warm an always protects you from the storms.

I really haven't known who you are for quite a while,

But I try to act tough so I force this fake smile.

I want My Mother Back!

You love someone else way more than me,Her name is Crystal Meth and I don't think she'll ever set you free,

I want My Mother Back!

She's had you in her hands for about 10 years,But all of those years are nothing compared to my fear.

I want My Mother Back!

Fear of you lying

Fear of you dying

Fear of having so much faith in you and just being left crying.

I want My Mother Back!

You wrote me letters when i was growing up,promising me you would change,but some how ,some way, you are just set in your own ways.

I want My Mother back!

You've told me to my face that it was drugs over me,

Even that wasn't enough to make me see.

I want My Mother Back!

When you are clean,You give me so much hope, then tomorrow it's the same ole' dope phen.

I want My Mother Back!

Everything i say This comes from my heart and every word of it's true,im not sure how to express my self to you so ill just write My soul out to you,like ol times,

I want My Mother back!

I do thank you so much for one thing,Thank you for showing me how important a good mother should be. 

And to never show my children the pain that you showed me.

"but i love you mom.

Don't get me wrong mom, i do love you,an i thank you for being the best mom You Possibly could be.

"I still love you.

But today I officially set myself free,Because I know there's a stronger woman in me.

I love you mom.

parenting,123

Co-Parenting obviously isnt for everyone.

I thought i had this whole parenting ordeal down,but im constantly learning new things everyday.

One thing that My Daughter has taught me is to be Patient, Kind,&Still.

I've learned to let things play out,not in My timing But in our gods timing.

On New Years of 2013 i told Myself,that its not about ME,Dispite how i feel towards Gracies dad its still her Dad.

So i chose to put everything aside, i chose to give him that chance, by this time we were back in forth in the court system fighting custody,visitation, an Child support. 

Things always just seem to fall off with her dad,we argued about everything, 

From Gossip to how we Parent Gracie. 

As time passed i fought for Full sole,physical custody an i won .

So lets Fast foward,

Gracies Dad saw her a few months ago here in town,for about 2 hours.

Than him an his Family moved to the next town over,i still offered visitations,with the understanding that being consistent is what is needed for our daughter.

Somewhere in between our daily lifes he fell off,

Now granted we both work an our schedule was different i always made time if he would,but he never,( now with me having custody,i legally dont have to let him visit, see,or talk with gracie but i choose to.)

Well i tried to.

No calls,

No visits,

No text messages? 

Nothing. 

Gracies dad just stopped.

To be exact, most of the time our communication went through his Girlfriend. 

Why?

I don't know. 

Alot of the reason why Gracies Dad an i did not get along is because. .

I don't think he ever wanted to have a child with me,he didn't have no interest, nor intentions on being her Father considering that we were never in a relationship, we were never serious about eachother, a simple 2 year fling turned into "your in my life forever."

Yes it can be very hard 99.99% of the time because as a Mother i hate to see him do this to our daughter,i hate that he gave up on his first child like that.

But in all Honesty, i believe everything happens for a reason ..

 i no longer dwell on what can't be changed.

I do not talk bad about her dad,because my daughter sees things for her self,

My Daughter knows who is here an whos not.

My Daughter will find out when shes old enough, why her Dad an His family is Not in her life.

I don't have to negatively speak on her Dad,his actions are speaking louder than My words ever will.

Gracie might not have her Biological dad in her life, but My Husband has been there for Gracie when she needed a daddy,Gracie is turning 5 years old! Shes growing up!

Our Families love an care for her more than anyone can imagine, an when the time comes i will not lie to her about who her Dad an who her FATHER is.

Domestic Violence,

This brought me to tears,

Hearing this little girl cry for help an screaming because her mom is being abused! 

I remember as a child growing up i seen alot of Domestic violence an would scream for My neighbors help an No one would help Us! No one called the police!

It was a regular thing for our household to go through this!

I remember i couldnt wait till i was old enough to move out,an never have to hear the sounds of My Mothers Screaming or see the vicious men slamming there fist against her!

http://goingviralposts.net/hard-listen-6-year-old-girl-call-911-not-cry/

confusion

The hardest thing is to watch someone distroy them selfs.

As if they were never born,

As if they never exsited.

My heart aches,

But My Tears are tired.

I never thought would come this point in my life,

That i give up, 

I give up......

I give up trying to save you, when you won't save your self.

I give up crying for you when you never shed a tear for me.

What about me!

What about how i feel!

Im hurt,

Im angry,

Im frustrated, 

Maybe i am.