welcome to Kinder!

I'm not sure if all parents feel this way but Oh my gosh the first week of school 

I was in complete shock and such a emotional wreck.

I quickly caught on to our new schedule,

And of course being that first time mom I always imagined how the first day of school would play out. 

What would she wear?

How should I do her hair?

What do I make for breakfast?

Lunch?

Nice Warm fluffy French toast filled my Baby girls tummy as we drove to school!

Wearing my sunglasses and quickly wiping my face so she couldn't see my tears running down my cheeks.

so we pull up to her school and I look in my rear view mirror and she's so excited,

And I ask her are you ready mama,ready to go to school...

She's says Yes, so Happy and excited!

so we got out the car and we held hands and the whole time My chest is in my stomach!

My heart is beating Fast!

I'm trying to hold back my tears so she doesn't see me all upset!

And I see her looking around and a little worried and I bend down and take my glasses off and say baby girl you are going to do just fine and I can't wait to hear all about your day after school I'll be right at the gate when you get out, I love you! 

And she smiled and said I know mom I love you to!

The doors open!

Off she goes!

An I just started crying uncontrollably lol!

But! 

She didn't see that so I guess I did ok lol 

I remember growing up and entering Elementary we always had things like science fairs,book fairs and of course I was in cheer lol.

I remember my mom and step dad always came to things like this and was so involved.

An now as a adult as a mother&wife I'm making it a priority to do the same with my daughter because I know the positive effects it has.

To have both a mommy and daddy there.

For some reason I can't forget this one science fair I must have been in the 4/5 grade and we had to create all the planets and color them,I remember my step dad thought it would be so cool to get fruity scented color markers!! So we created this poster with the solar system and as we enter the cafeteria we smell up the whole place!!!!!! 

Grape mostly what I remember and I'm not sure why I can't forget that! Lol!

But we had such a great time,and it's memories like this that I want to create with my child.

I remember my step dad making breakfast and running us to school because we were late because he couldn't get my hair in a good ponytail, now here I am with my own little girl who doesn't like ponytails lol 

Welcome back !

Hey guys sorry I've been like MIA
But here's why!

We don't realize how co dependent we are with Social Media, an not just social media I mean the Technology World! It's crazy the width drawls someone can have.

Being off the internet has given me some time to find my self,

 I needed a break,

 I needed this soul searching! 

I realized how much I depended on social media, I mean let's be honest we post a picture to get likes,

We post a status to get feed back and we as Humans Thrive off this shit.

I felt like I NEEDED other people to boost my self esteem,Not that I have a self esteem Problem I just like that extra boost! 

I felt like I NEEDED some kind of Validation! I don't know why?!!

Social media has broken me into pieces and has pulled me in every direction possible!

I Really just needed a mental break from Technology! 

I needed to see what was real,

I needed to see the life outside social media.

I had to find my balance.

But the feeling's overwhelming, it's much too strong.

I've shared so much with you guys and I have about 4k views and counting,

And Night after Night and Many sleepless night I have I come to My Blog and I just sit and stare at a blank screen....... What do I write about today? Do I even feel like writing? I've literally shared my life with complete strangers but yet feel at peace.
But something so heavy,so heavy My heart can't even hold,I'm trying to understand why! Why my family! Why My Nana! Why!
Something that was so small turned all our life's upside down!
Angry Because I don't understand!
Sad because I don't know what to expect!
All I can do is cry!
Cry in Fear!
Cry in Not understanding!
I'm mad! Why my nana! She works her ass off to help other people,she saves life's so why make her fight for hers?
Why would God do this to her? To us! To our Family!
Many sleepless nights I find my self up,and awake curled in a ball crying! Trying to be positive,trying to find some peace!
My nana holds a special place in My life! She saved me from my childhood when I needed! My dads family was always there for me,to comfort me. Those nights I would stay up late just to be picked up after her late night shift at the hospital,or her always making sure that I had school clothes.
Just looking back I'm just feeling it.
I'm just feeling some type of hurt,what can I do? What can I do to take this off my heart it's so heavy and I just can't even think of the future. I can't imagine loosing my nana!
I have never ever lost any of my grandparents,great grand parents! And this is crushing my soul!
To know that someone who saves life's on a daily basis is now on a Battle to save her own life!!
I guess I'm feeling guilty,guilty for all the times I acted like a Brat! Because I didn't get MY way!
All the times I was selfish at Christmas! When I should have just been grateful for my nana being here with me! All the times she spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on me and I was mean and ungrateful!

When I write it takes all My Pain! 
All My feelings and emotions,are right here! This is REAL!

A Letter to My Nana!

You can't imagine the love I have for you Nana,
All the sleepless nights you have had with me when I was sick!
Or all the money you ever spent on me when I needed things.
The love you gave me when both my parents weren't there,you taught me how to play the guitar,all the times we would sing and make songs.
All the cats and dogs we have shared! Bear,lilly,Snowball! My favorites!
Or passing the railroad tracks and coming up to see all the horses!
You impacted my life so much and I love you dearly,and I just want to apologize.
Apologize for all the years I was selfish and didn't even know it.
I'm sorry for being ungrateful and not saying thank you.
I love you so much and I can't imagine My Life with out you nana,that's why we must fight this! We must fight till we have no more fight in us.
I'm having such a hard time nana,this news is crushing Me,I don't know how to deal with this or what to think? I know you say you will be alright,but I'm afraid! I'm afraid of this journey! I will be by your side no matter what,and make sure your alright and I'll take care of you.

I love you Nana,
Always Your Princess.

If the shoe fits 😂

An yes I understand all families might have this going on,but please help me understand..
They say family is everything,family sticks together,family always..
But what if family is the Main Problem?
What If family is what is bringing you down!?
Misery does love it's company!
I honestly feel once your truly happy in life and where you are at in your life you won't have time for anything else or anyone else's drama!
I refuse to let anyone bring me down,or whatever else they come up with !
See if you don't like something in your life CHANGE IT,If you don't like someone in your life Remove them from it.only you have Control of your life,and what you allow will continue.

Never ever could I wrap my brain arouns this...
How siblings could be so evil towards each other like as if you are enemys,yes I don't speak to my brother for my own reasons,see it's simple Remove what you don't like out your life.
I taught my self that,Never ever will I allow Gracie To become a UGLY soul !
And never will I teach her that what I will teach her is what is right and what is wrong.
See My Moms,sister and Brother lack Compassion,respect,loyalty they never had that so they can't teach it or show it. but what is that teaching the last generation?
To be enemies with your own family,talk down on each other !!
Honestly who wants that in a Family?
Who wants to be around a person like that?
Not me!
Do you?


I brought a Child into this world at 16 and never once have I allowed this crap around her, we don't need no one like this in our life I simply don't feel the need to talk to anyone in my family due to ugly behavior,act like a adult not a outta control teen.

It's NOT always about family because family can be pure Jealous and hatful an misery loves its company,I've come to the point in my life to accept the fact that some family members will always dislike you,they will always Be jealous or hateful! Everyone wants you to do good but never better than them,an once you succeed above and beyond that's when the hate Kicks in!

Raise your self to be someone,raise your self with Respect!

If that's one thing my mom sure did install in me is some  loyalty,compassion,an Respect!
Let's get something cleared also because this is My Family's favorite thing to throw out 
"that My Mothers addiction has ruined My Life"
I sure do live a Awesome life,no it ain't Perfect but my bills are paid,we have food and clean clothes an have steady jobs and cars. My Mom has Made me a strong Person! I've been to hell and back and look who I've become a Awesome Mother!
Striving for My Career!
Thanks mom,Your perfect.

Normal (Poem)

With Fire in My Veins,

And ice in My Heart,

Like ol ray I'm Blind.

In the land of Gods an monsters

I was angel living in a garden of evil.

Nothing I have ever experienced in my life has been easy but I try not to dwell on it. Normal is everything BUT My Life and somehow I just naturally accepted it.

As if Normal now a day is your parents hooked on drugs and your father in Prison all your childhood.

What is Normal?

Am I normal?

Or am I Normally Disturbed?

What's wrong with me?

Why am I this way? 

I can Hear her crying Over and Over in My Head..

I can hear her pain In her voice as she says I have no answer for you,but this to shall pass.

When!

When!

When will things go back to Our Normal?

Will it?

Will it?

Normal.

Normal is just a word fucked in different positions,Made to feel good when you say it or when you are called it.

 we all have our own Normal! 

But I . . .

I ...

I am FAR FROM NORMAL.

TTC!!!!!! 2015.

Things like this you often get judged upon

I know . .

I know . .

I Share so Many Personal Situations on My Blog, I'm very open and that's exactly what I want my blog to be about.

So here's something I'd like to share with all My Viewers.

A Little Back ground about us, I got off My Birth control in Early Nov.2013 due to Medical reason at that time  My Husband i talked a few times about children but never fully said OK let's try to conceive. In no way shape or form are we AGAINST becoming pregnant, Nor did we Ever use Protection I guess it was just one of those decisions that we did agreed on that we just want it to naturally happen,Rather Going through the whole TTC Process.

2014 We agreed that we just wanted to wait 1 more year, 2014 We faced a lot of challenges that hardly anyone knows about and we just wanted to make sure that once we made this LIFE CHANGING CHOICE that we were Ready.

Mentally,Physically,Financially,Emotionally.

2015 February 9.

its time,

Its Really time to just Focus on Us,Our Family!

What Makes us Happy,Yes I'm sure there will be Many People with Opinions, Many Family Members that will talk Garbage and Nonsense but None of that Matters.

 We are Married,

We Live on Our own,

Pay Our own Bills.

Who has the right to tell us when to conceive?

Who has the authority to tell us Other Wise?

So I guess what I'm trying to say is Today I want to welcome you all to a New Chapter, 

A new chapter in this blog,

A New Chapter in our Life.

Today I took My First HCG Home Pregnancy Test, as you can tell By The Photo Above it was a ( - ) and that is completely fine, We are aware that this will be a process We are aware it can take Weeks,Months,Years for others it might be Quick for others its Very different.

So our plan for 2015 is to Test Every beginning of the Month also Depending on How My Cycle lands will also determine when I test.

Also tomorrow February 10 2015 will be the day I launch My YouTube channel, There you will be able to Follow Up with our Journey in TTC.

I'm excited,Nervous . .

A lot of emotions happening as I'm writing this Blog I've been making some life changes in order to bring My Anxiety and Stress level down so we can conceive ( My Doctor informed me that the big reason why we haven't conceived is Because My Stress An anxiety.

Why have I been distant,

Why I am eliminating certain people out of My Life,

Why I have changed?

I just feel such a different way about Life,like My Daughter is about to be 5 I feel like our family is ready for this Baby. We want to have a Healthy Pregnancy without any drama in our life. We want to have a Healthy support system and those who aren't, are no longer in our life.

So . . 

With that being said Our YouTube channel will follow our Good times and all the in between while TTC .

Tomorrow I will announce Our Channels Name FIRST ON INSTAGRAM FOLLOWING FACEBOOK.

Controversial Topics.

controversial topics

Sex.
Abortion.
Child Birth.
Adoption.


I would love to hear others views and Opinions on this topic as well.

So of course majority of people Claim to be against Abortions which is totally understandable.

And you have others who always throw comments out as far as " She's not a good mom,she doesn't deserve to have kids,"all she does is party!" 

Now when I hear people say these things what do they recommend that mother should have done "got a abortion? "Give her Baby up for adoption?"

I stand In question with what I currently believe in, I feel for Myself I could never ever get a abortion no matter what the circumstances are, an I would never be able to go through a pregnancy and at the end of birth hand My child over to Another family I just couldn't live with Myself doing something like that.

I understand that being a parent isn't for everyone, but at the same Time you have to want to be a good Parent,you have to constantly be consistent on your self to do good for your child.

Some Mother's become a parent really young and have to give up a lot like there teen years and adult hood,some women aren't ready to live the life of a mother,so what do we judge her for making that Statement? Or judge her because of what she feels? Who are we to judge anyone ? What gives us that right?

So ask your self where do you stand?

For me I'm learning not to judge someone based on decisions they made for them self's at the moment when needed to.

We Cant judge someone because they felt like getting a abortion or adoption was right for them at that point in there life.